This Unholy Mess

If the Ten Commandments don’t really do it for you but you can’t quite stomach Dr. Phil either, then why not dip your mental big toe into This Unholy Mess? I can sound as authoritative as Oprah, as enthusiastic as Joel Osteen, and as esoteric as Ron Hubbard—and I can do it all without the terrible burden of wealth and notoriety that might risk infusing my writing with a bit of legitimacy. Much of what you will find on the blog is political, if only because I am a fan of tragi-comedy; but there are plenty of offensive religious and social topics to disturb just about anyone with a reasonably closed mind, a slight chip on his shoulder, and a desire to confront people belligerently from the safety of a computer keyboard. Enjoy!

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Hi Howard— First of all, I think congratulations are in order. I never got a chance, before you retired from your position as Starbucks CEO, to pat you on the back for selling so much coffee. Sure, lots of other people have sold that famously legal drug, but you managed to sell it not just in much greater quantities than anyone else, but in more locations. Brilliant. It was a master stroke to choose coffee as your product, too, since if you had decided to try the same program with liquor, hoo boy, the government would have been down on your sweet little behind like a ton of scalding Caramel Macchiato. Anyway, you’re clearly a genius. And on a personal note I owe you big time for coming up with the Low-Foam Pumpkin Spice Soy Latte with Extra Chia Seeds that’s made my life worth living since DQ stopped offering its Cranberry and Turkey Gizzard Blizzard. How can I ever thank you. And I’m not the only one who loves your work. Think of all the people who are grateful to you for doing away with most of that fancy coffee--you know, the stuff that is pure and distinctive and unique—and supplying them instead with a rich array of confectionary marvels like Cinnamon Shortbread Latte and the ever-popular Iced Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha. Who wouldn’t lavish you with praise for inventing an archetypal heavily-caffeinated soda fountain? One-stop shopping for sugar and fat and caffeine! But enough of the frothy stuff. What I really want to talk to you about is this presidential run you’re thinking about. I want to say up front that I get it: You’re rich. And you’re bored. That has to be a much tougher gig than anyone realizes. It has to be the worst feeling to get out of a limo and have the bystanders on the sidewalk take a look at you, shrug, and ask each other, “Hey, is that guy Somebody? Nah, probably not. Never seen him before.” What a nightmare. From that point of view, sure, a run for the presidency makes sense. In one leap, you might just go from a posh but anonymous lifestyle to having your picture on the front page of the New York Times four or five times...   Read more

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