This Unholy Mess

If the Ten Commandments don’t really do it for you but you can’t quite stomach Dr. Phil either, then why not dip your mental big toe into This Unholy Mess? I can sound as authoritative as Oprah, as enthusiastic as Joel Osteen, and as esoteric as Ron Hubbard—and I can do it all without the terrible burden of wealth and notoriety that might risk infusing my writing with a bit of legitimacy. Much of what you will find on the blog is political, if only because I am a fan of tragi-comedy; but there are plenty of offensive religious and social topics to disturb just about anyone with a reasonably closed mind, a slight chip on his shoulder, and a desire to confront people belligerently from the safety of a computer keyboard. Enjoy!


Okay, listen up, people. I feel like you don’t realize what you’ve got here. Just one of the greatest cross-promotional opportunities on earth at this moment, that’s all. This is synergy times a hundred! It’s our chance to boost the president’s World Leader Image into the stratosphere by having him meet a fourth time with Kim-What’s-His-Name, then say a bunch of stuff about the nuclear threat being gone. What? No, I’m telling you, it doesn’t MATTER that the president doesn’t know nuclear proliferation from venereal disease. It doesn’t even matter that the first three meetings were less than zero. What matters? Making him look like the Deal Maker, the decisive boss-guy who’s gonna get Kim-What’s-His-Body to give up the only thing that makes anybody pay attention to him—his nukes, of course--in exchange for letting the West make a ton of money putting huge buildings all over his country. All the president’s gotta do is play out the kind of TMZ scenario he does best: lunch, photo-op handshake, call it a win, and leave. It’s a no-brainer. Literally. I admit it’s a little disappointing to see the president’s bulky good looks in the same photo frame as Kim-Whozits—jeez, the guy’s like a cross between a morbidly obese panda and Glenn Beck--but what we do is make up for Kim’s physical image by playing up his strong leadership side—you know, the guy who murders family members and has a few hundred thousand dissenters in re-education gulags. You get the natural fit with the president? Of course you do. Two strong guys deciding the fate of the world. Iron Man and Superman. Kevin James and Danny DeVito. Groundwork? Seriously? What are you, a refugee from the State Department? Don’t tell me: you like those “experts,” guys who spend years, like, studying the history of Korea and junk like that. You want lower-level negotiations to start with, ground work to give a summit a chance of achieving concrete results. Concrete results? Really? Rat poisons and suppositories need results. What we want are optics! The clue for you is: the president doesn’t do experts. His fantastic intuition makes him armed and dangerous and ready to make the right call to burnish his personal brand. He might even help America out as long as it’s convenient...   Read more

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