This Unholy Mess

If the Ten Commandments don’t really do it for you but you can’t quite stomach Dr. Phil either, then why not dip your mental big toe into This Unholy Mess? I can sound as authoritative as Oprah, as enthusiastic as Joel Osteen, and as esoteric as Ron Hubbard—and I can do it all without the terrible burden of wealth and notoriety that might risk infusing my writing with a bit of legitimacy. Much of what you will find on the blog is political, if only because I am a fan of tragi-comedy; but there are plenty of offensive religious and social topics to disturb just about anyone with a reasonably closed mind, a slight chip on his shoulder, and a desire to confront people belligerently from the safety of a computer keyboard. Enjoy!

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March 14, 2024 -- Trumpsburg, West Virginia It was a rowdy, enthusiastic crowd that gathered last night in the Coal-o-Drome to witness the first debate among twenty-six Republican hopefuls vying for what we now know will be the largely ceremonial office of “President of the United States.” It has been nearly a month since His Excellency made it clear through FSIA, the Fox State Information Authority, that he will remain the active head of government indefinitely, in a role he describes as “something really fantastic” and “the best thing anyone has ever seen.” Though the actual title has yet to be selected, sources familiar with the matter report that he will be styled either “Supremely Tough Overlord” or “His Regal and Most Potent Sovereign.” Gauging by reports from IPSOS and Nielsen, it was a hugely successful evening, with ratings ranging from 90 to 120 million viewers, a number which experts say is conservative, since nearly a million likely viewers were drunk enough to inadvertently smash their Nielsen boxes before the proceedings began. It was a much anticipated spectacle, heavy with His Excellency’s unique legacy. Many observers credit its great success to the recent merger of the debate committee with WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment), a synergy that provided candidates with well-defined rules of conduct while allowing for crowd-pleasing moves that have made politics not just more fun than ever, but as His Excellency’s supporters say, “so much more real.” As one official explained, “People want representatives who will do and say the things everyday people would love to say and do, but don’t dare. Hey, normal people would get arrested for that stuff, they’d lose their jobs. But politicians? They can get away with it--and make us all proud of who we are as a nation, too!” With Mike Pence out of the running, sidelined indefinitely in gay conversion therapy, the nomination is wide open, and the action on stage reflected a freewheeling atmosphere similar to those created by His Excellency in the past. Things began with a health care policy statement from Steve King, congressman from Iowa, advocating giving Benjamin Moore paint chips to all physicians, who should then refuse care to anyone with skin tone darker than “Foggy Morning” or “Crisp Linen.” He was interrupted by Jeanine Piro, FSIA...   Read more

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