This Unholy Mess

If the Ten Commandments don’t really do it for you but you can’t quite stomach Dr. Phil either, then why not dip your mental big toe into This Unholy Mess? I can sound as authoritative as Oprah, as enthusiastic as Joel Osteen, and as esoteric as Ron Hubbard—and I can do it all without the terrible burden of wealth and notoriety that might risk infusing my writing with a bit of legitimacy. Much of what you will find on the blog is political, if only because I am a fan of tragi-comedy; but there are plenty of offensive religious and social topics to disturb just about anyone with a reasonably closed mind, a slight chip on his shoulder, and a desire to confront people belligerently from the safety of a computer keyboard. Enjoy!

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As a stern rebuke to the Irish people—especially those of the female persuasion--who just yesterday decided that Dark Ages Catholicism, that brutally quaint and miraculously backward religion they embraced for so long, is no longer good enough for them, Brother Paul D.U.I., offers this review of the Fourth Commandment. Irish women clearly need this lesson in obedience, having shockingly opted through their votes to trust their own humanity and conscience rather than the delightfully rigid, arcane twaddle put forth by the Church regarding their health and the right to safe abortion services. Let this be a warning to them! And to anyone who would act in such open defiance of a Church that has time and again proved its affection, if not respect, for children, without sacrificing any of the legal protections so necessary in the operation of a holy, global enterprise. The Irish people must be made aware that, in their open-mindedness, they risk not just their immortal souls and their very self-respect, but also their invitation to the National St. Paddy’s Day Corned Beef Food Fight. We can only hope they will reconsider and dial back their rash rationality. THE FOURTH COMMANDMENT OF GOD “Honor thy father, thy mother, and anybody who looks important.” To Help Get You Get Through This Lesson Ever wonder why public school children usually play more physical, othopedically-oriented games like “Red Rover” and “Kick the Kid” while Catholic school students are daily forced to spend hours playing “Mother May I”? Or why until 1962 Catholic schools required choke-chains on all students through grade four, at which time the Second Vatican Council gave schools the option of using standard collar-and-chain leashes? The answer is deceptively difficult: These rules emerged originally from a study of school discipline presented in the spring of 1913 by an elitist group of Catholic professors at the American Academy of Junk Science in Porcine, Wisconsin. The title of the study was, “Shut Up and Sit Down: It’s All About Obedience,” and its recommendations quickly became the standard for the American Catholic school, as well as for the leather-boxing-shorts-and-riding-crop crowd. The theory has a solid basis in the Fourth Commandment, which requires us to respect and obey not only our parents, but also a daunting array of lawful superiors. Insistence on...   Read more

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