This Unholy Mess

If the Ten Commandments don’t really do it for you but you can’t quite stomach Dr. Phil either, then why not dip your mental big toe into This Unholy Mess? I can sound as authoritative as Oprah, as enthusiastic as Joel Osteen, and as esoteric as Ron Hubbard—and I can do it all without the terrible burden of wealth and notoriety that might risk infusing my writing with a bit of legitimacy. Much of what you will find on the blog is political, if only because I am a fan of tragi-comedy; but there are plenty of offensive religious and social topics to disturb just about anyone with a reasonably closed mind, a slight chip on his shoulder, and a desire to confront people belligerently from the safety of a computer keyboard. Enjoy!


COURTESY OF "THE NEW REVISED CATECHLYSM," THE NATION'S EVANGELICALS WILL FINALLY GET THE STORY STRAIGHT! ADAM AND EVE, IN THE RAW Prototypes are messy, and that’s a fact. It’s as true of the first electric nose hair trimmer, originated in 1834 by The Shaker Image, a low-profile religious community with a huge mail order presence, as it is of the first crude beach towel, fashioned by David Hasselhoff in 1984. It was also true of God’s experience with Adam and Eve, His 1.0 human beings. There is no glossing over the terrible debacle they were involved in, but let’s stay positive here and deal cleanly with what the great Saint Anselm often called “a teleological shit storm.” Adam and Eve were slated to be showcase beings in God’s Creation Portfolio, and He endowed them with all the goodies: looks, brains, and plenty of sanctifying grace, which they could trade for arcade tokens once they got to Heaven. They were a charismatic couple, living in a nudist paradise called the Garden of Eden. Though not married, they were very devoted to each other—and not just because there were no other mating choices. So what went wrong? Well, for some reason, God decided to give them a little test, just to see if they were paying attention, being properly worshipful and all. It was a throwaway, a token self-control requirement involving eating issues. Wouldn’t you know it would end up being about food? They were told by God not to eat fruit from the Tree of Standard and Poor, yet they were tempted to do so by a talking reptile who told them it would give them the power to rate everything. Some have posited that the reptile was Rupert Murdoch, but persuasive evidence has been offered by many biblical scholars that it was actually Larry King. So the Godsy Twins ate the fruit, failed their test. They were then barred from the Garden of Eden, and, along with their descendants, made to endure all manner of pain, including self-consciousness, an inclination to sin, and needing to cover their private parts with fig leaves. This latter punishment would eventually lead to the even more excruciatingly painful phenomenon of the fashion industry. Did God have Creator’s Remorse? Very possibly. But even if God...   Read more

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