This Unholy Mess

If the Ten Commandments don’t really do it for you but you can’t quite stomach Dr. Phil either, then why not dip your mental big toe into This Unholy Mess? I can sound as authoritative as Oprah, as enthusiastic as Joel Osteen, and as esoteric as Ron Hubbard—and I can do it all without the terrible burden of wealth and notoriety that might risk infusing my writing with a bit of legitimacy. Much of what you will find on the blog is political, if only because I am a fan of tragi-comedy; but there are plenty of offensive religious and social topics to disturb just about anyone with a reasonably closed mind, a slight chip on his shoulder, and a desire to confront people belligerently from the safety of a computer keyboard. Enjoy!


Of course it’s very gratifying to realize I’ll be receiving this incredible honor. To join the ranks of greats like Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama, and Nelson Mandela—well, it’s going to be a very humbling experience. I’m already working on a blockbuster speech that will wow the Academy in Stockholm by starting out with quotes from Lord Byron and the movie, “Hangover 2,” then wrapping up with selected ravings of Wayne LaPierre. It’s more than a little ironic that the idea that’s going to bring me this spectacular global recognition should have come from America’s community of Gun Crazies, but I have to give recognition where it’s due. As long as I don’t have to share the prize money, of course. Just think of everything the Gun Crazies have had to endure in recent years: reams of statistics demonstrating the need for more regulated--or even reduced--gun ownership. All those endless graphs compiled by the shadiest groups imaginable, like the World Health Organization and the American Journal of Medicine. You look at the ones that correlate the number of guns with the number of gun deaths in various industrialized nations, and in every one of them—yep—there’s the United States, that little dot in the upper right-hand corner of the graph, a proud, lone standout in the stratosphere of guns and deaths, while other countries linger, clustered miserably together in the lower, life-infested regions of the charts. The Gun Crazies have endured the pain of having to explain away terrible mass shootings by insisting that guns don’t kill, by saying that it’s the price of freedom, or whatever. They say it’s always too soon for legislators to discuss gun violence. How many times can they be expected to hear that the U.S. has only 5% of the world’s population but 45% of the world’s civilian-owned guns—well over 300 million firearms? And it’s been like a broken record for them, hearing that Americans are 20 times more likely to die from gun violence than citizens of other wealthy countries. So we have to sympathize. And I personally am extra sympathetic, considering that these guys have given me the key to a Nobel by offering their own solution to the problem of gun violence. The way to make us all safer is simple, they...   Read more