This Unholy Mess


Brother Paul Responds to the Irish Decision to be Less Holy

As a stern rebuke to the Irish people—especially those of the female persuasion–who just yesterday decided that Dark Ages Catholicism, that brutally quaint and miraculously backward religion they embraced for so long, is no longer good enough for them, Brother Paul D.U.I., offers this review of the Fourth Commandment. Irish women clearly need this lesson in obedience, having shockingly opted through their votes to trust their own humanity and conscience rather than the delightfully rigid, arcane twaddle put forth by the Church regarding their health and the right to safe abortion services.
Let this be a warning to them! And to anyone who would act in such open defiance of a Church that has time and again proved its affection, if not respect, for children, without sacrificing any of the legal protections so necessary in the operation of a holy, global enterprise. The Irish people must be made aware that, in their open-mindedness, they risk not just their immortal souls and their very self-respect, but also their invitation to the National St. Paddy’s Day Corned Beef Food Fight. We can only hope they will reconsider and dial back their rash rationality.


“Honor thy father, thy mother, and anybody who looks important.”

To Help Get You Get Through This Lesson

Ever wonder why public school children usually play more physical, othopedically-oriented games like “Red Rover” and “Kick the Kid” while Catholic school students are daily forced to spend hours playing “Mother May I”? Or why until 1962 Catholic schools required choke-chains on all students through grade four, at which time the Second Vatican Council gave schools the option of using standard collar-and-chain leashes? The answer is deceptively difficult: These rules emerged originally from a study of school discipline presented in the spring of 1913 by an elitist group of Catholic professors at the American Academy of Junk Science in Porcine, Wisconsin. The title of the study was, “Shut Up and Sit Down: It’s All About Obedience,” and its recommendations quickly became the standard for the American Catholic school, as well as for the leather-boxing-shorts-and-riding-crop crowd.
The theory has a solid basis in the Fourth Commandment, which requires us to respect and obey not only our parents, but also a daunting array of lawful superiors. Insistence on this deference was intended to create a level of trepidation in children which, to quote the report, “will assure in them—and in future adults—the greatest timidity and circumspection in smelling the butts of other dogs, if you know what we mean.”
The study’s authors acknowledge their debt to the military “boot camp” model, in which trainers break down the recruits before building them back up. The Catholic school template is exactly the same, minus the “building-back-up” part.
Remember also that obedience to superiors in this lesson also means we are obliged to love our country and to respect and obey its laws and officials in even their most sinister activities, with the proviso that they maintain a consistent, credible scrim of hypocrisy.
The chief sins against the Fourth Commandment are pouting, tantrums, moving the ladder when your dad is on the roof, not wearing your flag lapel pin, and euthanasia.

What are we commanded by the Fourth Commandment?

By the Fourth Commandment we are commanded to respect and love our parents, and to do so freely and without coercion. Giving love on demand might seem like a difficult task at first, but always remember: They said movies-on-demand would never happen, either.
We are also commanded to obey our parents in everything, even if those things might be tasteless and unethical, as long as they are not out-and-out sinful.

Does the Fourth Commandment oblige us to respect and to obey others besides our parents?

Besides our parents, the Fourth Commandment obliges us to respect and obey all our lawful superiors, except those who seem especially interested in our wallets or in the waistbands of our underwear. This latter group includes lawful superiors who “creep us out,” which on average constitutes 70 to 80 percent of the lawful superior population.

How does a citizen show love for, and a sincere interest in, his country’s welfare?

A citizen shows a sincere love for, and interest in, his country’s welfare by voting honestly and without prejudice or knowledge of the issues, by paying taxes from time to time, and by killing the citizens of other countries when deemed appropriate.

Why must we respect and obey the lawful authority of our country?

We must respect and obey the lawful authority of our country because it comes from God, the source of all authority. Also because should we choose not to, we risk being picked up in an unmarked car and taken to an isolated location where we will be forced to listen to extraordinary renditions of Judas Priest’s greatest hits while being beaten between the shoulder blades with big branches.

What are the chief duties of those who hold public office?

The chief duties of those who hold public office are those activities that will keep them in office. And, of course, promoting the general welfare of the person in the rest¬room stall next to them.

1) The Fourth Commandment obliges us to obey: (a) microwave instructions for all prepared foods; (b) the Dow Jones Big Ouija Board; (c) that person next to you who smells so good; (d) guys in fatigues who love paint ball.

2) What makes obedience hard is our love of: (a) nachos at 3 a.m.; (b) seeing scandalized adults practically peeing in their pants; (c) conscience; (d) art, science, and culture.

3) Ellspeth was arrested for breaking the law. She admitted she was guilty, but when the judge sentenced her to prison, she said, “Law or no law, the state has no right to keep me in jail, eating off of a partitioned metal tray and using a toilet without a seat.” Tell what protections the Fourth Commandment affords the court as Ellspeth prepares her lawsuits against the judge, the bailiff, the court reporter, Marriott’s “Envoy Access” prison food service, and Kohler plumbing fixtures. Does she have any grounds for suing her parents? Her lawyer? What does the Fourth Commandment say about a possible insanity plea?

4) Prosthenius’s mother told him to wash the floor. He refused. She spat at him. He shredded her copy of the latest “O” magazine. She poured a pint of buttermilk on his laptop. He microwaved her parakeet. When the police arrived, what section of the Fourth Commandment did they cite in arresting both of them?

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