By now, everybody’s got a pet theory about the president-elect’s main objective for his “administration.” Some say it’s mostly about unleashing Wall Street to provide us with another financial crisis which will spell opportunity for so many deserving, well-heeled Americans. Just as many think it’s to create a mammoth Russian/American oil and gas conglomerate that will allow the world’s most ethically-challenged tycoons to both destroy what is left of the environment and create a new world order based on global authoritarian rule and sensational Twitter feeds. A few are sure he is interested only in beefing up popularity of the new season of Celebrity Apprentice, from which he will make tidy sums as executive producer. A solid core of outliers think it’s to create a trade war that will raise prices enough on consumer goods to finally break the back of America’s notorious Cartel of the Poor and Underprivileged.
But I’ve got news for you: they’re all wrong. And I can prove it—as long as my writing it down here is proof enough. Apparently, that sets the bar sufficiently high for most of the P-E’s supporters these days, so I’m going to run with it.
It so happens that I have a close friend on the inside of the president-elect’s team. In fact, my friend serves the P-E his eye-opener tomato juice cocktail every morning. Let me hasten to add that though I keep hearing it’s made with human blood, I don’t necessarily believe that. A lot of people have been saying it, though; it’s all over the internet.
The information my friend gave me is a game changer, sure, but if you understand the P-E’s mindset—which admittedly involves a lot more “set” than “mind”—it’s been clear from the get-go. By telling us that he won’t completely divest himself of his businesses while president, he is delivering the message: The bottom line comes first, no matter what your job title. I mean, we all knew that things like the fate of our country and the integrity of the presidency were important to him. Of course. Nobody has more respect for the United States than him. Nobody. But if you’re going to weigh all that against a monster boatload of money?
Come on, be serious.
Like the P-E is fond of saying, quoting from Corinthians Number Three: “Lay not up thy treasure where blind trusts can corrupt it and administrators can steal through fees and commissions. But lay up your treasure instead in branding deals and in offshore havens where taxes cannot lay it waste.”
So what is the P-E’s real plan for his presidency? The ultimate branding opportunity, of course! Just think of it: He appoints a few super-cooperative people to run the patent and trademark office, and before you can say “crooked Hillary,” he owns the Seal of the President of the United States and has trademarked the name. Unlimited opportunities in the market place! Not just President of the United States ® steaks, golf clubs, hair color, drinking water, sex toys, and formal wear; but President of the United States Country Club and Golf Course, too! In fact, with regard to that last item, powerfully reliable sources who whisper messages inside my head while I’m showering in the morning tell me that the P-E has already selected a prime site for the project, in the heart of the swank Washington suburb of Silver Spoon, Maryland.
Then there is the crown jewel of the entire program: President of the United States University. A serious educational institution where, for a healthy tuition fee, third world leaders can gather to learn the most advanced techniques for pulling the wool over the eyes of their respective citizenries. All teaching is conducted in the presence of a life-size cardboard cut-out of the P-E himself, by qualified hypnotherapists who are also licensed professional Twitter users. Governors of third-world Southern states welcome, too!
Now, if only this scenario didn’t have a chilling kernel of truth at its heart, it could be a lot funnier. Maybe even bigly funny. As it is, we find the nation in a distinctly perilous situation, because a great number of voters were seized by a fit of self-destructive rage, or because they mistook a child for a man. Because they mistook self-confidence for integrity, greed and ambition for character and principles. In either case, they did not get the joke.