This Unholy Mess


The New Revised Catechlysm Calls Out Trump Sex Apologists

Wouldn’t you know that eventually Mr. Trump’s personal physicians would try to find a viable scientific excuse for his sexual predations and assaults? In the face of their full-frontal effort, the dedicated–not to mention holy–staff at the New Revised Catechlysm is all-hands-on-deck to refute them. These medical charlatans will not be allowed to use Restless Penis Syndrome as an excuse for Trump’s activities. Never!
What is Restless Penis Syndrome, you ask? The answer to that question, as well as to all other questions you might have about life on earth, your credit scores, and how to get those stubborn stains off of your immortal soul, are all available, of course, in The New Revised Catechlysm.
In Lesson 17 (the Sixth Commandment of God–something about not committing adultery), Brother Paul lays out a clear explanation for RPS, and how, many years ago, this bogus notion nearly deprived the world of some of its most entertaining and appalling sins. It turns out that in 1728, as the Enlightenment raged across Europe, the forces of scientific anarchy attempted to expunge the Sixth from the master list of Commandments, based on the discovery of so-called “Restless Penis Syndrome,” which at the time claimed to explain all sexual dalliance as purely mechanical phenomena, not subject to normal laws of genuine human recklessness, weakness, and shame. Lucky for us, they failed to provide the kind of penetrating, rigorous, vigorous, turgidorous proofs required by a scientific community too preoccupied with perfecting the condom to pay close attention, anyway. As a result, today we continue to be blessed with all the sinful depravity one could wish for, as well as plenty of tawdry platforms for its dissemination.
You’re welcome. Or as Brother Paul would say, “Pax Vobiscum,” which is Latin for “You have deep stains.”

2 Replies to “The New Revised Catechlysm Calls Out Trump Sex Apologists”

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    1. Paul says:

      An essay? The New Revised Catechlysm is a whole book, complete with somewhat noxious illustrations. It shares the same bona fides as all great, obscure, intentionally irritating satires.

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