This Unholy Mess

Those of us who work professionally in the financial markets are all too aware of the effects of the current crisis. Having to see so many full-screen images of Steven Mnuchen’s face in such a short time period is pushing the nation to the breaking point. At times like this it’s important to recall that the Chinese character for “opportunity” is the same as the one for “Pizza with Anchovies,” a reminder for everyone to order lots of take-out during the coming weeks.
Rank amateur investors might be wringing their hands now, as they note that the fossil fuel markets have tanked, the Standard & Poor’s 500 is way off, and even bond yields have sunk to the bottom of that swamp that never got drained, but you’ve got to get beyond those fluffy indicators, down to what we in the financial sector call The Fundamentals. For instance, traditional havens such as Precious Metals have held their value and even risen; and a still better performer is Precious Papers. Consider: a roll of Brawny Extra Tough Select-a-Size closed on Monday at $103.40, a nice gain of 2300% for the month. A 24-pack of Charmin Ultra-Soft (with 1000 extra sheets) finished the day at a cushy $221.85, a boost to any investor’s portfolio, and easy on their backsides, too. A solid two-ply investment. Quilted Northern Preferred will cost you a premium, but your tender bits will thank you when you experience what traders refer to as a “downside breakout”.
You can’t ignore facial tissues, either, when you’re diversifying your portfolio. That cute little vanity-sized box of Kleenex Designer Series (65 count) has made solid gains this month, popping up to $52.65 at the end of last week. Though the tissues may not always pop up anymore, causing nagging questions about the death of craftsmanship in America, they have the kind of softness and sturdy quality that has been endorsed even by our Chief Executive, who uses them to wipe off excess bronzer in the morning, and the increasingly copious quantities of drool that his cabinet members spill on him every afternoon.
Now, you’re likely to say, well, I just lost my dainty underthings in the broad market and can’t see any truly affordable opportunities in the financial landscape. And to that I say: you’re just not looking in the right places. Beyond Precious Papers, how could you miss the other markets that are rocketing upward with seemingly no end in sight? These would of course be the Mentally-Encumbered Humans market (MEH) and the Human Entire Loss of Logic market (HELL). It turns out that the current crisis is fertile ground for these investment opportunities; sharp investors were primed to go long on them when they noticed their fellow citizens buying seventeen 8-ounce packs of Uncle Ben’s Cheddar and Broccoli Rice, or ten dozen Grade AA Large eggs. To the experienced eye, this was the perfect moment to be bullish on human stupidity and greed.
If you don’t like investments that involve unintellectual property, there are other choices available, too. Why not have a look at airline stocks? Just because they have been battered by the headwinds of the pandemic doesn’t mean they don’t represent solid value. When you understand that they so wisely took the huge windfall from the last round of corporate tax cuts in December of 2017 and used it to buy back their own stock to pump up its value, rather than waste it on frivolities like employee wages and capital investment, you understand why a massive taxpayer bailout is so clearly required. And that cash infusion will keep ‘em flying—along with your portfolio. You’ll be ready to plunk down the 200 grand for your Mar-a-Lago membership in no time!
Then there are those cruise lines. They are about to sail into some pretty lucrative waters, and you don’t want to be left stranded on the dock. Word is that though few of them actually sail under the U.S. flag, they will ultimately collect plenty of sympathy points from Congress along with a big check, since they are a pet-favorite of our “president,” and are also on the front lines of the battle between sane recreational options and the preservation of a weird paradigm of fun that involves jamming people into floating tenements where they are not just subject to sanitation nightmares, but can at the same time enjoy activities like dance lessons and Pilates, lectures and waterslide pools—things that allow them to ignore the fact that they are indeed on a ship in the ocean. If you like big, gloppy buffets, where your mashed potatoes are excreted from a pastry bag, these stocks are for you.
Our Tail-End Tip today is: Clorox is the new Google!