This Unholy Mess


Take a Knee for the One Who Deserves It: the Big Guy

With all this talk about football players taking a knee during the National Anthem, Brother Paul and his team at The New Revised Catechlysm realized it was time to clear the air. If you’re going to take a knee, you don’t want to direct it to a flag, or a song, or the Uber driver you fell in love with, or even to a huge pumpkin muffin with comb-over frosting.
You want to direct it to the Big Guy.
And when you honor the Big Guy this way, be sure to call it by its correct name: genuflection.
Why genuflect to the Big Guy, you ask? Come on: What other gods have a huge backstory that was first published at the time of the dinosaurs and has been on the New York Times best seller list for over 350,000 weeks? What other gods’ names appear on every denomination of American currency? And nobody prays to some B-list god during an earthquake. Case closed!
The Catechlysm team wants you to be aware not just of the best ways to suck up to God—such as taking that knee—but also of all the ways you might sin against God, i.e., things that directly impact His self-esteem. Here is the list of the fourteen sins to avoid at all cost:
Infidelity, apostasy, belching the alphabet, heresy, owning shoes with lights on them, early-onset puberty, not giving a shit, taking part in worship that is not Catholic, presumption, hedge fund management, despair, hatred of God, hatred of your cable company, Mensa membership, envy, predictability, elegance, superstition, self-publishing, sacrilege, and, lastly, going back to count these sins to see if there are indeed actually fourteen.
Remember: Sinning is so evil that you should commit sin only when it is absolutely necessary, or when you might lose money if you don’t. Amen!

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