This Unholy Mess


Make My Home Town of Napa Great Again!

If our “president” has taught us anything—other than the value of a good, firm-hold hairspray—it is the importance of using shocking statements to seize and control “the narrative.” It’s not just about grabbing headlines and dominating the news cycle. It goes beyond crafting the charmingly fanciful “facts” that he wants his angry, irrational Army of the Undead to swallow. It’s also about creating a new mood for a New America. An America that’s brash and bold and spoiling for a fight, an America that doesn’t want some choir boy for a leader. An America that’s pugnacious enough to toss aside useless junk like Constitutional norms and traditions—or even ethics–in order to get things done. Who wouldn’t love a nation that isn’t squeamish about dissing intelligence and truth, a society that has the guts to stand up for what somebody on the internet told them was right?
In this country, an excellent historical example of narrative control and the belligerent attitude required to keep it alive is the spectacularly successful, sustained lie the South has foisted on the rest of us, using incessant blather about “states’ rights” and “our Southern heritage” to justify their violent, treasonous behavior carried out in defense of slavery. Brilliantly executed for 150 years, it includes the erection of thousands of memorials to various traitors and features an especially effective effort to control the contents of just about every American History textbook published before 1985. Kudos!
Once I realized how useful “controlling the narrative” has been on a larger stage, I thought: Why not here in Napa? So I put together The Plan.
Step One: I urgently need you to understand that you can never trust the press. Aside from what I write in this space from time to time, all you’re going to get is “fake news.” You can’t trust any so-called “main stream” media outlets, and certainly not anyone at the Napa Register. Not Sleazy Sean, not Crazy Kevin—none of them. They are the Enemy of the People. I’m the only one who will tell you the truth.
And that truth is: I’m the only person smart enough to solve Napa’s problems. The fact that a full platoon of my lawyers will threaten you if you try to verify my blinding intelligence by accessing my academic records–from West Los Angeles Gourmet Astrological University of Self-Expression–means only that I really AM the smartest guy in the room. Who else could afford a phalanx of decent personal lawyers these days, hah?
Next step: Rolling out my plan for you, the citizens of Napa Valley. It has three major components, the first being the construction of 5000 new single-family homes in the valley, each on a quarter-acre, each selling for $90,000. I can do this because I know about business, and I get things done.
The second component is a valley-wide ordinance that will allow all corporate wineries and growers to plant vineyards wherever they desire, though the interiors of churches will be exempt. The ordinance will protect Napa’s precious watershed, too, by preserving every single oak tree in the valley and creating minimum stream setbacks of a quarter mile. This will all be possible because of my negotiating prowess. You probably heard about the deal I recently inked with Mike Pence, in which he agrees to smoke half an ounce of marijuana each day in exchange for my agreeing to a full immersion baptism in the Capitol Reflecting Pool. Okay, I’m going to get a little wet, but Mike will be forced to remove the stick he has so jealously guarded in a very personal, tender location. And what that’s worth to America?
The third component of my plan is a 50% reduction in traffic congestion across the entire valley. I will accomplish this by working with some of the best people in the field of shameless public confabulation.
There are no catches anywhere in my plan. All of it will have to wait until March of 2020, however, when you vote for me in all three supervisorial races, tossing out the corrupt losers now holding positions in Districts Two, Four, and Five. I will be your voice. I will drain the swamp. I will clean up the disgraceful mess created by Baloney Belia, Crooked Alfredo, and Lyin’ Ryan. These incompetent crooks are the only thing standing between you and the fantastic vision I’ve created, just for you! I’m not like those low-energy people—I tell it like it is! I’m just saying what you’re already thinking. And I’m not afraid to stand on stage and give a big hug to the county flag, either.
So get on board! Put aside all that rationality and ethics and all that “decency” junk—and make Napa great again!

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