This Unholy Mess


Send Us Your Best Impeachment Tweets!

What will Mr. Trump tweet out in the aftermath of his impeachment trial? We want to hear from you! Just send us your best guess as to the Tweeter-in-Chief’s response to his long-awaited, inevitable removal from office, and you’ll be entered in our drawing for fabulous prizes. Fun for the whole family!
First prize is a half-hour visit with the ex-president, at whichever of his pleasure palaces he settles into to unlace his corset and play some golf after the debacle. You’ll receive round-trip air fare, including Xanax Tic-Tacs and plenty of minis of expensive cognac to prepare you for the experience; a handsome MAGA hat containing actual grease from Mr. Trump’s coiffure as well as an inexplicable whiff of sulfur; a delicious Chocolate Cake Taco Bowl (created especially to commemorate the occasion); and six physical therapy sessions to treat your dislocated shoulder after shaking the ex-president’s hand.
Second Prize is a full hour with him.
Third Prize: an all-expense-paid trip to New York, where you will tour the Big Apple’s finest soft-porn studios, accompanied by Melania. This package includes swag makeup bag from Sherwin-Williams Paints, and complete social media blackout on request.
So come on, you anti-farcists, you can do this! It’s a contest that’s generated more excitement than a totally inappropriate Trump speech at a Boy Scout Jamboree. Take a look at some of our entries so far, to stimulate your imagination. One of them just might grab your creative pussy!

“SCOTUS will issue a ruling! Justice will be served! Oh, wait—they can’t? It’s totally rigged, folks!”

“Our failed Congress needs to back off this impeachment thing! Do things for Americans, like jail Crooked Hillary! Make Mexico pay my legal fees! #pesomanylawyers”

“My supporters, real Americans, are not worried. They know Jared is working on key Senate members right now! #de-impeachment”

“Phony patriots like McCain voted for impeachment? Shame! Flag pin on my lapel is bigger than his. Suit is nicer too!”

“If Fake News is reporting impeachment, it can’t be true anyway, folks. More dishonesty from these enemies of the people!”

“ISIS is behind this whole thing, folks. Their Senate Mullah Lobby is strong! #Drainthedesert”

“No worries! Executive Order just signed to ban any impeachment until 2024!”

“My wonderful son! Eric Trump volunteers to be president when I leave. Love him! #rightfulsuccessor”

“It will work out, everyone. Ivanka is traveling now, to get me Chinese trademark for POTUS so I can live there and still be president! #fortunatecookie”

“Mitch McConnell = Benedict Arnold with poor-quality Kentucky dental work. No support for the Commander in Chief!? Sad. #nospinenochin”

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