This Unholy Mess


Trump University Lives!

You probably thought Trump University died definitively in late 2016, when various lawsuits successfully challenged it as a fraudulent real estate training program and forced our former “president” to pay a $25 million settlement. So sad to see such an imaginative, vital organization disappear—and on the flimsy grounds of having bilked a few thousand people out of hard-earned money, too.
But the most observant Americans are aware that the former “president” has since then been promoting another Trump University, a much larger, more wildly successful program than the old, narrowly-targeted, illegal one. Yes, he is still teaching! And though it’s still malevolent and predatory teaching, on the upside every American is automatically approved to be a student, tuition free. It would be a shame to miss out! I am of course talking about the largest single educational institution in the nation, Trump-Juvenile University.
The goal of the university is to teach Americans unabashedly juvenile behaviors and their practical application in society. If you doubt the success of Trump-Juvenile as an agent for cultivating those behaviors, let’s look first at a few critical elements of the university curriculum, elements in which you will recognize a powerful societal movement in progress, followed by concrete examples displaying the art and science of juvenile behavior as taught by our former “president” and applied by some of his stellar pupils.
According to the curriculum, students will learn first and foremost that they must avoid control of both emotion and impulse. Second, they will learn to cultivate a need for attention, however they can get it. Third, they will learn to develop a low tolerance for frustration and a low capacity for self-observation. They will learn to lie as a means of avoiding consequences, and will understand how to use insults and threats as proof of poor management of interpersonal conflicts. Also crucial is establishing an external locus of control which will allow students to blame others for everything.
Once a student absorbs and puts these vital principles to work in service of nagging insecurity and fragile self-esteem, the coveted Trump-Juvenile diploma is within reach.
If you feel these lofty goals might be beyond you, here are some success stories to inspire and encourage:
How about Marjorie Taylor Greene? A summa cum laude of Trump-Juvenile, she has been responsible for some of the finest attention-getting behavior in politics today. Who doesn’t remember impulse-free, stunningly brilliant lies such as her statement that global warming is beneficial, since it allows us to grow more food to feed people? Or, in trying to paint Nancy Pelosi as a fascist, her classic tragi-comic comment about Pelosi’s supposed “Gazpacho Police?” Brilliant blaming and lack of self-awareness there, married to a superb verbal pratfall. A display of genius that almost equals her “liking” social media posts that advocated executing FBI agents whom she felt were part of the “Deep State.” This is obviously dangerous, yet also undeniable juvenile virtuosity.
There is a long list of Trump-Juvenile Hall of Famers–great names like Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell, Cari Lake, and Josh Hawley–but it would be an unforgivable omission not to mention the juvenile tour de force of stroking, poking, vaping, and japing offered up by Representative Lauren Boebert last month as she attended a theater performance in Denver with her boyfriend. The addition of her vehement denial of the behavior until security-cam footage was released only made the performance more impressive. Offering the entire theater staff a seasoned legislator’s middle finger was icing on the juvenile cake!
Finally there is Matt Gaetz, House representative of Florida’s western panhandle, better known as Metastatic Alabama. As a Trump-Juvenile post-grad, he has proved his mettle in recent weeks through his pivotal role in removing Kevin McCarthy as House Speaker and dropping Republican House representatives into a cesspool of paralysis and in-fighting, much like a mischievous boy plucking the wings off a butterfly just to see what happens. Never having been much for actual legislation and problem-solving, he has been a brilliant example of preening and attention-getting married to total abandonment of emotional restraint and impulse control. He has few peers in his supremely low tolerance for frustration, his ability to deflect blame onto others, and his gleeful willingness to insult and threaten.
Haters are gonna hate, of course, and good Trump-Juvenile students have learned to ignore criticism by maintaining that all-important low capacity for self-observation. They understand from our former “president” that all criticism is coming from the Deep State, or the “swamp.” If it is suggested, for example, that Congress is now feeling motivated to pass Universal Child Care because it might prevent Republicans from finding new and inventive ways to humiliate themselves and, by extension, the rest of America, well, that’s just “fake news.” Or is it?

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