This Unholy Mess


Mar-a-Lago’s Newest: The Situation Terrace!


Consider this your personal, cordial invitation to join us at Mar-a-Lago’s exclusive new dining venue, the Situation Terrace.
It’s no secret that the contemporary American dining scene has been a disaster, a total disaster. A never-ending parade of converted warehouse spaces, androgynous chefs, and failed European socialist cuisines. Do you realize Trump Tower in New York is the only place in the nation where you can still get a decent taco bowl?
So it’s the perfect moment for the Situation Terrace, a spot sure to become the talk of cutting-edge foodies and national security specialists across the country. For your one-time $200,000 membership fee, plus whatever we decide to hose you down for when the server shows up with your check, you will enjoy the most unique American dining experience since Richard Nixon was biting off the heads of live chickens in the East Room of the White House.
What makes The Terrace so special? Well, as Beverage Director Steve Bannon says: just shut up and listen. Of course any top-flight dining establishment can offer elegant steam table cuisine, and the Situation Terrace does that in spades. You will want to keep in mind, however, that though our menu items should be taken seriously, they should not be taken literally. For example, a dish such as Poulet a la Melania, described as “two plump breasts of baby chicken reclining on a bed of ostrich feathers,” will appear at your table as a creative variation of KFC’s 3-Piece Meal, including mashed potatoes and gravy, biscuit, and a medium drink. A stunning marriage of flavors and textures, and true to the menu concept. Similarly, Sean’s Overheated Shrimp Platter, which we call “a sizzling selection of shrimp products served fuming, hissing, and spitting right at your table,” will approximate, in broad terms, Popeye’s Butterfly Shrimp Tackle Box. But don’t be fooled: the resemblance goes beyond mere appearances, since you get special seasonings, French fries, a biscuit, and cocktail sauce to boot!
Of course what truly sets The Situation Terrace apart is its sophisticated setting. Because of our proprietor’s unique position as U.S. president, in addition to its fabulous food and service the Terrace will put you ringside for an unforgettable, up close and personal experience of American executive political power. You’ll be rubbing elbows with movers and shakers of the world who in any other situation would think of you as just another 401k to steal, or as that squishy something under the tires of their limos. This will be a once-in-a-lifetime moment, enjoying your meal while witnessing the charming glitches and confusion of amateur-night diplomacy—all in an intimate cabaret setting! Our hostess, Ms. Kellyanne Conway likes to say it’s where the tenderest steaks meet the toughest political decisions. But then, she’s so enthusiastic about the Terrace, she’ll say pretty much anything.
You’re going to want to keep your cell phone at the ready, too, since the president and his advisers love to pose for selfies, and will maybe chat for a bit–wondering aloud if there might be a few federal regulations you’d just as soon dispense with–while waiting for international leaders and prominent plutocrats to return from the restroom. (No flashes, please: they bleach out the president’s delicate complexion.) If your phone happens to have the new telescopic camera app, you might even be able to take home souvenir photos of some of the many classified documents that normally litter the president’s table and that inevitably slip to the ground and skitter gracefully across the terrace in the warm, moist, evening breeze.
So if you’re in the mood to bask in a truly elite, autocratic environment, why settle for some tacky dinner theater revival of “The King and I” when you can go where the big dogs go, without getting any of their business on your shoes? Why not sit back in your chair at the Situation Terrace, order up Steve Bannon’s after-dinner drink specialty—a White Russian—and enjoy the spectacle of world leaders squirming as they endure undreamed-of vulgarity? You’ll come for the food, but you’ll stay for the international chagrin. And keep in mind: you’ll be so close to the action that you might even get your pussy grabbed, who knows!

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