This Unholy Mess

The latest news from our Secretary of Warfighting might seem unusual—or even nutty–but that’s only because the highly-classified background to the story has not previously been revealed to the public. Okay, so the Secretary is insisting that every member of our armed forces who is over 30 years of age submit to testosterone testing, and that announcement has elicited all manner of rude, humorous remarks. But no one will be laughing when they find out the reason for this requirement.
It turns out that a recent classified memo from the Academy of Strategic Military Junk Science in Porcine, Alabama, reveals compelling proof that, since 2023, Chinese agents have been dosing soft drink dispensers at every domestic and international U.S. military installation with massive quantities of weapons-grade estrogen. That’s right. We are under hormone attack.
Though initial scattered reports of voice changes and increased breast size in male soldiers had previously been dismissed as random examples of exposure to life in our permissive, effete society, now that the truth has been laid bare it is no surprise that the Pentagon should be all aflutter. The Secretary has declared that this cunning assault on American manhood would be met with resolve, courage, and plenty of protein powder to go along with Testosterone Replacement Therapy. Now that the dastardly plot has been uncovered, men in the military are going to take the counter-measures that will allow them to blossom fully into the gorgeous, sculpted specimens that God always intended them to be.
The all-male task force charged with managing the program mentioned in a footnote that, indeed, female soldiers who frequented the soft drink dispensers also showed some signs of estrogen overdose, such as fluid retention, headaches, and weight gain. They pointed out, however, that Testosterone Replacement Therapy is not approved for women, and they issued an official statement on that topic which read, in its entirety: “Tough break.” The Secretary’s position on females in the military is well-known, in any case. It involves asking them if they wouldn’t actually be happier in another line of work, like, say, as a real estate agent or a wedding planner.
In combatting China’s estrogen espionage, the Secretary has taken the do-or-die, bare-knuckle, extra hair-gel approach that is typical of him.
Yet there is a further issue that has begun to haunt him, one that has been whispered among his aides who watch him while he works out, to be sure he doesn’t hurt himself. And that is, what if the key to success isn’t testosterone at all? What if success against the Chinese and other adversaries has more to do with IQ and forward-looking creativity? What if…what if the future of warfare lies with (shudder) geeky, scrawny people who can design a better unmanned drone or robotic soldier? This kind of dangerous revelation risks driving the Secretary into hand-to-hand combat with a bottle of good bourbon.