Hi friends, Sarah Slanders here, Chief Biker Mama and Spokesperson for The Trump Warehouse of Broken Dreams and Reclaimed Promises, inviting you to celebrate with us at our big, beautiful First Anniversary Event. Don’t you dare worry about taking advantage of our leader’s fantastic promises, because he’s already taken much bigger advantage of you!
We want you to come on down and discount absolutely everything we say, because our leader is a full 100% off—every day! As you fans know, he has captivated the nation with a personality that hits that sweet spot between Don Rickles and Daffy Duck.
So what have we got for promises? Big ones, like the world has never seen! Big enough to supply fabric for the seat of our leader’s ever-expanding executive golf slacks!
He promised to get only the best people as his advisers, and he came through like a champ. By “best,” of course we mean people most likely to be charged with an impressive array of felonies ranging from money laundering to lying to the FBI. The good news is, we’ll see more of these guys and their flashy credentials in 2018. Believe it!
Health care, you say? We’ve got you covered! Or rather, we don’t. But then, you’re still feeling the love if you didn’t take him too literally when he promised higher quality health care for everyone, at lower cost. He wanted to give it to us—honest!–but was shocked to find out how complicated the issue really was. He’s just the president! Not his fault! Who knew? He holds fast to the inspiring principle that fifteen million people being deprived of health care will never dampen the enthusiasm of adoring crowds attending a nice rally somewhere in Alabama.
Speaking of the South—and who doesn’t warm to that topic if you happen to lean toward pedophile Senatorial candidates and bad dentistry—our leader has received high marks there in fulfilling his promise to unify the American people. Why, just after his tweeting some electrifyingly questionable videos about the evils of Islam, he received gratifying support from the broadest possible spectrum of white nationalist organizations. As David Duke, former Grand Wizard of the KKK and identical twin of the stuff on the bottom of your work boots tweeted: “God bless Trump! That’s why we love him!”
But how about the economy? A no-brainer for our leader, and not just because no-braining is what he does best. He promised to balance the budget and eliminate the national debt in eight years, and by God, he’s still willing to stand embarrassingly silent on that promise. On our first anniversary, he can point to the fact that his administration is moving us steadily in a similar but opposite direction. The Congressional Budget Office, in reviewing the latest budget bills, tells us that over a decade we will see between $1.2 and $1.4 trillion in further debt. As these numbers are borne out in the economy, we have faith that our leader will find the inner strength to blame someone else.
As for Wall Street, one of our leader’s major campaign targets, enormous effort has been spared in delivering on his promise to get the “fat cats” (as he called them) to pay more taxes. Who can forget his famous cry: “They are getting away with murder!” Facing off with financial sector titans, our leader has launched a two-pronged attack, designed to assure that average Americans get thoroughly forked.
First, he’s lulling Wall Street into a false sense of security by lowering corporate taxes to 20%. A sensible move, since corporations desperately need relief, what with the stock market and corporate profits soaring. Burdensome profits on their balance sheets are causing them the most brutal suffering.
Then he’s pivoting to his campaign promise to eliminate the famous Carried Interest Loophole, the one that allows private equity managers and other select swamp creatures to be taxed at about 20% instead of the higher rates levied on those more able to pay—like teachers and bus drivers. In a genius move designed to flummox everyone, he now advocates not touching it. With his blessing, the current budget bill leaves the loophole in place, with minor tweaks to assure the public that he and Congress remain expert in the art of the meaningless gesture.
Even as our national taco bowl runneth over, be sure to keep an eye on another favorite campaign promise: his oft-repeated pledge not to touch Medicare and Social Security. The smart money says he will soon not just be touching those programs, but grabbing them by the private parts–clear proof that he’s not just a lot of locker room talk, but a man willing to act boldly and decisively when feckless opportunism seems advantageous. That’s our leader!