This isn’t my first foray into the jungles of bad taste, God knows, but it is perhaps the deepest of them. Please address all hate mail to: The National Conference of Catholic Bishops, A Really Expensive Part of Town, Washington, D.C. 20003.
ADVERTISEMENT THE NEW CELI-BOT: YOU’LL FEEL THE LOVE!
Members of the clergy, are you sick of hassling with celibacy? Enduring all those achingly painful, sweaty counseling sessions with those gorgeous students? Searching the eyes of sensitive young people in a classroom, at the bookstore, or at coffee and donut get-togethers after church? Haunted by the constant worry that your completely natural expressions of affection might be misunderstood and land you in a rehab center—or worse?
Well, you can put away those petroleum jelly socks, the pieces of fruit, the soda bottles, the inflatable dolls, because we have fantastic news! Right now, today, every one of you could be enjoying the stimulation of full-on, lascivious, no-holds-barred behavior, without wasting a single moment obsessing about the near occasion of sin. How? It’s Celi-Bot™! Our incredible breakthrough in the field of simulated depravity, produced under the auspices of the Roman Curia, in cooperation with Sui-Sung, the first name in Japanese robotics. Celi-Bot is proud to offer you a complete range of amazingly lifelike robots, each with full pleasure-giving capabilities.
Celibacy has never been so much fun! Listen to these exciting details: As part of your order you get your choice of Celi-Bot Blue™ (with realistic orifices and tumescence-on-demand) or Celi-Bot Pink™ (with full lubrication and unique SlickTouch™ technology for both mouth and private parts). And we’re just getting started! Let your imagination run wild with these revolutionary, fully-customizable units, available in adult or mini models, with your choice of hair color, eye, and skin tone. You heard right!
We’re so confident you’ll love—and we do mean love—your new Celi-Bot™, that we’re offering your diocese, parish or monastery a full money-back guarantee if you’re not completely satisfied. Return the unit within thirty days and, minus a nominal cleaning fee, we’ll cheerfully refund your money. (Sorry, no returns with slashes, broken limbs, cigarette burns, or other defacement.)
If you act now, we’ll throw in some special extras, too, at absolutely no cost to you, your Superior, or anyone else! How about the most beautiful unisex natural leather thong you’ve ever seen? Well, we’ll send you not one, not two, but three of these favorite Celi-Bot™ accessories. And there’s more! We’ll also send you your choice of two best-selling DVDs—either Helen Mirren in the pulse-pounding classic “Debbie Does the Decameron”; or if you prefer, that goose-bumping, gravelly-voiced Jeremy Irons starring in the sultry favorite “Under the Vestments”.
So what are you waiting for?
Believe us: Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, the kind of uninhibited but completely sinless fun afforded by the Celi-Bot™. Why spend yourself on anything less? Get on the phone right now to your Superior or Spiritual Director, and tell them you want to order up some sex that’s as hot as it is guilt-free! Act now!