Say, are you looking for a sumptuous snack to help you hold at bay all those vague, disturbing feelings of dread about the descending arc of American society and culture? Well we’ve got just the thing: a scrumptious American Decadence.
Mmmmmmm. Now that’s a morsel of real exceptionalism. A smooth center of brainless opinion topped with a thin layer of civility, sprinkled with soundbites that add a satisfying crunch; and all of it covered with a rich, luxurious coating of self-deception! Positively uber-licious! One bite and you won’t care that you’re killing yourself with empty-headed calories, because you’ll be repeating what all our satisfied customers are saying: Wow, I’d trade my brain for this treat any day!
What a fantastic taste. Most of all, it’s a taste for gadgets: an incredible array of gadgets that make your life easier, more electronic, and most of all, more fun! There’s the cute little phone that talks to you in whatever language you want and broadcasts your exact location at every moment; there’s the sweet little speaker tower you can put in your home to turn on your lights or your music for you. It will even answer questions about anything—especially all those things that you didn’t bother to learn about in school because, hey, why bother?
These gizmos are managed by really large, reputable companies that have only your best interests at heart and that will never, ever use private information in any shady ways, like just to try to sell you stuff. Most important, they will never allow that information to be stolen, either. It says it all right there in the super-official 67-page privacy agreement that comes with every gadget. It’s all part of the brilliant new techno-scene where everybody in the world gets together just laughing and talking and filming each other with little body cameras while drinking Coke or a nice Starbucks Plankton Latte.
And listen, we hear you. Even with all the cool goodies available to you now, maybe you’re still a little disappointed with your life. Maybe you’ve got some really gross acne, or too much body hair, or a bad tattoo you got when you were drunk. Or maybe you just don’t look enough like Ryan Gosling or Jessica Alba to make life worth living. No worries! Virtual Reality to the rescue. The perfect thing for someone who would prefer living in another, more accommodating world than this one; a world where you can be whatever you want, hassle free.
So put on that headgear and get in the game. This is everybody’s chance to look smoking hot, whether you’re wearing a body stocking and a cape, a starship officer’s uniform, or nothing at all. Why shouldn’t you have the world the way you want it? Our current planet can be such a bully sometimes, with its blue sky—why blue? That’s pretty arbitrary—and its mountains and valleys that can make it such a bitch to get anywhere. Why should you have to live by someone else’s rules when technology is giving you the tools to carve your own version of the Ten Commandments on the tablets of your life? This is your chance to go full Burger King and have it your way.
Again, please remember: no large organization is ever going to take advantage of your desire to escape your life. Their mission is simply to make that life more interesting, rewarding, and fun, and there has never been a single recorded unintended consequence attached to any of these gadgets.
So what are you waiting for? That actual commercial rocket flight to Mars might not be a reality in your lifetime, so why not create one in your own VR? That way, you can make sure that Jennifer Lawrence or Chris Pine will be your spouse when you arrive, and that there will be a theater multiplex near your domed living pod. Everybody needs a little escape, right?