This Unholy Mess

Because absorbing the latest news from the federal government is like being force-fed a sewage smoothie every day, it’s very difficult to discern which bits of effluent are particularly poisonous. And that’s what the Golden Toady Awards are for. To be clear, they are not intended to acknowledge the grossest, most vile, unethical, and illegal moves of the new “president” and his South African friend—that job belongs to high-profile pundits, the various organizations established to defend the Constitution, and the courts.
No, the Toadies are intended rather to give a shout-out to public figures who have distinguished themselves as being among the most shocking and hypocritical sellouts of the year, those who have gone above and beyond the low-profile, herd-mentality betrayals of civil and moral standards which are now so commonplace in public life under our new “president.” Examples of these slightly less distinguished perfidies include journalism a la Fox which rushes to justify the dissembling and outright lies of the “president,” or the tour-de-force cowardice of most Republican politicians who face threats and intimidation from his mob of techno-brown shirts.
It is certain that everyone will have their own favorites for this year’s Toadies, but to get the 2025 ball rolling, I would like to offer two nominees that I feel will have a very solid chance to bag one of the handsome statuettes (a golden tongue licking a golden boot).
First up, the junior senator from Iowa, Joni Ernst. Who can forget this amazing woman’s senate career, based on her history as a military veteran and staunch advocate for protecting women in the military? Yet when faced with pressure not just from the “president,” but from the Iowa Republican Party and numerous rabid calls and emails from the techno-brown shirts, she managed to vote in favor of Pete Hegseth for Secretary of Defense. This, in spite of the fact that the thrice-married Hegseth is well-known as a sexual harasser and a drunk, a man who was even condemned as “an abuser of women” by his own mother. (Thanks, mom!) Senator Ernst seemed unable to distinguish between a serious, experienced candidate and someone who desperately needs anger management classes and a 12-Step program. A solid Golden Toady nominee!
Next, I would offer up the name of Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Catholic Archbishop of New York. Though his statements were made in late December of 2024, their betrayal of Christianity, their total perfidy stands as a transcendent model for all those who have ever aspired to winning a Toady.
Speaking to Fox’s Maria Bartiromo, Cardinal Dolan noted that the then “president-elect” was not raised as a “fervent Christian,” but now “takes his Christian faith seriously.” Which is a stunning revelation coming from a leader of the American Catholic Church, speaking of a person who is famed for having taken on the task of violating every single Commandment–and succeeded. E. Jean Carroll, whose successful defamation and sexual abuse lawsuit against the “president” was not included in the interview.
Dolan concluded by comparing the assassination attempt on the then-presidential candidate to that of the attack on Pope John Paul II, saying it may have “deepened his faith.” He emphasized that the “personal faith journey” of the “president-elect” reflects a welcome resurgence of spirituality in America. Personally, I feel nothing so much as a resurgence of my lunch, but then vomit emojis are what the Golden Toadies are all about.
Feel free to offer your own suggestions for Toady nominees. God knows, there are more possibilities every day.